Desperately seeking love

I have never had a boyfriend. I am 25 years old and I have never dated. These were facts that I hated less than a year ago. I hated saying it. It was either met with sincere surprise, or just plain bewilderment. I was once asked 'why?' After I stated it.

Um? Why haven't I had a boyfriend? Oh I don't know. Maybe because of the way I look? I meant it as a joke but truthfully my answer was a reflection of my inner feelings on the subject.

After years of liking boys and not being liked back. Years of seeing my friends get asked out on dates and have long term relationships with guys. Years of not having the same thing. I had begun to believe that it had something to do with me. I wasn't pretty enough, thin enough, outgoing enough. If I lost weight, guys would ask me out. If I got braces and had my teeth fixed, then I'd be more appealing to guys. This internal monologue has consumed me for years.

I would of course (on occasion) tell myself that I was wrong. That God had someone special for me and that I just had to be patient. My Prince Charming would arrive. That comfort soon turned cold as I got older and continued to see other people enter into relationships whilst I sat waiting. Alone.

So three years ago I decided it was time for a change. I started working out and losing weight. That change coincided with my first year as a core team member at our parish. As the weight came off, my outer confidence grew. I could actually wear the outfits I wanted to wear! This outer change was matched by my peaking interest in a guy I knew. This was finally it. Yes! I had gotten involved with church, lost weight and found my confidence, and God had brought me my prince. Happiness was on the horizon.

The boy I liked, said he liked me, but was unsure of a relationship. By that time I had already entered into a deep emotional relationship with him (I knew nothing about emotional chastity). I have to admit that I had already imagined myself with his last name. I had convinced myself that he was the one. We had hung out, as friends, but it would soon be more official. I just had to keep praying and hoping and wishing.

Then he left. 

He went overseas to work. He told me that he liked me, but because he was leaving, he didn't want to start anything.

So I waited for him. I prayed novenas for him. I was certain that his time away and my patience and prayer would result in us being together one day. God was writing a beautiful love story. Right? He would return and we'd be together.

In the meantime, whilst I waited, I decided to start a 54 day rosary novena to discern my vocation. Which was obviously marriage to this guy. But I'll play along for certainty.

This guy came back the day after I started the novena, and I was certain it was a sign from God. The day after I start a novena to discern my vocation, the guy I've been waiting for RETURNS?! Total divine sign. So I kept praying this novena. Just to confirm it.

27 days into the novena, on the last day of supplication, I went to a party at his house. That was the day I found out that while he was away, he had been forming a relationship with another girl, and she was now his girlfriend.

I was crushed.

I was angry and upset with him for misleading me, and with God for misleading my heart. Unfortunately, or fortunately, I had to get through the next part of the 54 day novena. 27 days of thanksgiving. Yeah right! More like, 27 days of thanking God for NOTHING!

The thing about me is, when I start something, I commit to finishing it, even if my heart isn't in it. So I continued praying, and even though it felt as though I wasn't really giving God my heart, as the days went on I could sense a spiritual change occurring.

In the months that followed I began to look seriously at the call to religious life. I could feel God calling me but I was so certain that marriage was what I wanted, that I fought it with each step.

I went into a deep spiritual desolation. I was in a desert. God was no longer there. It was a struggle and although it went on for a few months, when I think back on it, it feels like a second. I didn't know it at the time, but through this desolation, God was drawing me closer to Him.

I thank God for this desolation. Through it my lack of connection with Him became my sole focus. A frustrating focus. But my only focus. I was yearning for what was missing. I didn't know what it was, but I knew that without it, I was dying. Through His grace, I would go to mass as often as I could, and frequent adoration. The sacraments were holding me together.

When I eventually reached a stage of consolation, I realised that God wanted me to know that He was all I needed. You see, before I started the rosary novena, I asked Mary to help me love Jesus the way she does. I now know that I needed to be without Him to know how much I need Him. That is how Mary showed me her love for Him, so I could learn to love Him with that same intensity.

I would spend time in adoration. Desperately hoping to feel something. Without realising it, I was entering into a new romance. In that time of sitting in adoration, wanting to feel something, Jesus was not only showing me who He was, but who I am too. I was slowly breaking open. He allowed me to understand how great His love for me is, and it's in that love, that I find true peace and comfort.

I've learnt that life makes sense in the Eucharist. The crucifix would be empty without the promise of eternal life. And that is the fullness of His love. 

Now adoration is the best date night. It's where I can sit and listen, and be heard. And so I know how much He loves me. And it's only now that I know that He is all I need. For the first time in a long time, I can say that He is enough, and nothing will fulfill me but Him.

Lord, I pray I may always remember the great love you have for me. I pray I will always seek to serve you and love you first, so that I can love and serve others. I thank You for helping me find You.

I have found Love.

P. S. I'll be praying for you xx