To Know Myself

I have been thinking a lot about identity.

I have always struggled with embracing my identity. The idea of ‘who I am’ has never made me feel comfortable or assured. Growing up I was always an inside-outsider. I grew up in the suburbs of Durban, in the 90’s. It was a great childhood existence. I had no social awareness of my being ‘other’ because I had a great group of friends who made me feel included. Somewhere in senior school, that changed. The social complexities of South African model C schools began to affect me. I was a Zulu black girl, who spoke English really well. I had white best friends who didn’t know Zulu, and thus my school existence was comprised of me speaking English all the time. This, at first unknowingly, fostered an identity crisis of sorts. One I have been struggling to come to terms with for the past 15 years. My identity struggles have not stopped there. I have struggled in wearing my Catholic badge proudly, often unsure of whether or not my personhood is worthy of that title. I have struggled with my identity in a family of academically astute people, whose achievements leave me feeling like I am not worthy to be associated with them. In recent years I have struggled with being a twenty-something year old who has yet to really ‘start’ life. This in particular, has left me feeling very insecure around my peers.

You’re probably thinking, ‘so much doom and gloom, why write a blog about this?’ Well, in the past year, my insecurities have led to me wanting to spend more time alone than with people. Last year, I experienced adoration in a way I never had before, and since then, I have spent more time in front of the Blessed Sacrament than ever before. It was something I had never really done, or appreciated before. Sitting in front of Jesus and just being with Him was a foreign concept to me. It started off as an interesting spiritual exercise in which I knew I could grow in faith. It has turned into a necessity, that that I cannot be without.

 In the last year, I have gone through deep spiritual struggles, and I often wondered where God was in my life. And yet, in that time, I have found that I now have a profound desperation to just be in adoration. I didn’t realise how this change was occurring. Then a few weeks ago I was looking for saint quotes on authenticity. I found this one by St. Teresa of Avila, “We shall never completely know ourselves if we don’t strive to know God.” 

I’m not sure if it was the quote, or the intense stare of St. Teresa that got me (probably a combination of both), but something in that quote resonated in me.

I think that my hours spent in front of Jesus have forced me to be real with myself. I have questioned, doubted, cried and chastised myself in His presence. I thought I was trying to get through to Him, but I now think it was all part of Him, trying to get through to me. There is something so profound about the exposed Eucharist. I always thought of it as an unveiling of Jesus, but I now think that in a way we are most exposed, most bare, when we are in His presence. I cannot hide my thoughts and feelings. I think in being in His presence I have begun to know Him, in Him revealing Himself to me, I have begun to know more about myself.

I can’t say I no longer struggle with my identity. I can say that I am starting, as difficult as it is, to see myself through His eyes. As He looks at me, I look at Him, and begin to see myself. This does not mean that my questions, doubts, tears and chastisements have gone away. It means that slowly they are being matched with comfort and peace. I have peace and comfort in knowing that He is with me, and I am with Him. That is who I am. I am Him.

I have learnt that my true identity, the only one that really matters, is the one that is centred in Christ. I pray I never lose the desperation I have to just be with Him. I pray He reveals more of who I am to me, as I sit with Him. I pray that I may always have peace in being myself with Jesus.

I just thought I'd share that with you.

I will be praying for you xx