Him Whom My Soul Loves

I have recently felt a deep desire for marriage. I have felt God slowly revealing the beautiful complexities that exist within this sacrament. The visible image of Christ’s love for the church lived out between a man and a woman. The idea that I would get married seemed like an eventuality. However after years of not dating, I began to feel like perhaps this was not my calling. However the desire for a husband has remained. Even as I opened myself up to the possibility of being called to religious life, the desire remained. I eventually got to a point where I felt that giving my entire life to God was my calling. To live out my vocation to love Him as a religious sister seemed great. I was basking in this decision that I had made deep within my heart, when all of a sudden I was hit with the desire for marriage again.

I have spent the past few weeks confused about what this all means. Stressing would be a better word to use. Am I called to religious life? Or am I called to marriage? Why won’t You just tell me God? Seriously, just tell me.

All of this confusion was really getting me down. Until I read psalm 63.

Psalm 63

¹ [Psalm Of David When he was in the desert of Judah] God, you are my God, I pine for you; my heart thirsts for you, my body longs for you, as a land parched, dreary and waterless.

² Thus I have gazed on you in the sanctuary, seeing your power and your glory.

³ Better your faithful love than life itself; my lips will praise you.

⁴ Thus I will bless you all my life, in your name lift up my hands.

⁵ All my longings fulfilled as with fat and rich foods, a song of joy on my lips and praise in my mouth.

⁶ On my bed when I think of you, I muse on you in the watches of the night,

⁷ for you have always been my help; in the shadow of your wings I rejoice;

⁸ my heart clings to you, your right hand supports me.

⁹ May those who are hounding me to death go down to the depths of the earth,

¹⁰ given over to the blade of the sword, and left as food for jackals.

¹¹ Then the king shall rejoice in God, all who swear by him shall gain recognition, for the mouths of liars shall be silenced.

This psalm is written by David when He is in the desert. As I read it, I am struck by His desire for God. The desire expressed in this psalm could be mistaken for a man’s desire for a loved one, and yet this is written about God.

I thought that the inner desire that I felt was for a man and that the sacrament of marriage would fulfil me. However this psalm made me realise that it is God that I long for, because only God can fill me the way I need to be filled. The loneliness that I feel in my singleness will remain in a relationship if I don’t allow God to be my comfort. As I read this psalm I realised that God is the One whom my soul loves. He is the only One with whom my soul will be satisfied.

I imagine that until the path to my vocation is found, I will always battle between allowing God to be enough, and hoping for a relationship. I pray that I can rejoice in this time as a single woman. I can sense that God is calling me into an intimate union with Him. I pray that through this time I can have the same desire that David had for God. That my soul may thirst for Him, and that I may cling to Him. I pray that I may remember that His constant love is better than life itself.

It isn’t always easy, but for now I'll remember psalm 63.